‘Joe Schmo Show' enough to make a grown man cry

(This column originally appeared in The Republic, October 2, 2003)

Has anyone seen the rabbit ears for Jerry Battiste's 10-inch black-and-white TV? He can be reached at 379-5691 or at jbattiste@therepublic.com.

In "The Joe Schmo Show," (8 p.m. Tuesdays, Spike TV) poor unsuspecting Matt thinks the whole thing is real; a chance to win $100,000 by being the last person standing on a show called "Lap of Luxury."

The catch is, the entire show is rigged, staged to make Matt believe the whole thing is real.

And he falls for it, like all those boys who paid $5 for a pair of "X-ray specs" only to discover they didn't work at all.

(And I'm still waiting for my full refund.)

Last week, Matt became very upset after his friend was voted out. He wept.

We're talking his shirt was drenched with real tears. In fact, at one point he looks at the camera and laments, "These are real people with real emotions."

(Those exact same words, uttered by Charla on "Paradise Hotel" the next night, had none of the conviction or honesty of Matt's and elicited nothing but a sneer and guffaw from me.)

But little does Matt realize what's really going on.

The next day (on the show) the producers, upset because they made Matt cry, decide to take his mind off things by having two of the characters suddenly shack up together.

Great idea. Too bad Matt had a crush on the woman and utterly despised the guy. He cried again.

"She smells so nice, and he's just nasty," he sniffed.

Brian, a writer for the show and also one of the actors pretending to be a contestant, said, "The one thing we promised ourselves was that we wouldn't make him cry again. And then I look over and see a single tear in the corner of his eye."

These people are walking advertisements for sensitivity training. Do they know this guy at all or are they just pretending?

The only saving grace for the show is that, unlike some other reality shows, they want to show Matt in the best possible light.

The fact he appears to be a true gentleman doesn't hurt either.

Fox at it again

In an effort to undermine U.S. foreign relations, Fox, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to bring back Joe Millionaire.

"Joe Millionaire: An International Affair" (check local listings) starts this month and the catch is, none of the women speaks English!

OK, so I'm exaggerating. Actually, they all speak some form of broken English, and each one has her own handbook of easy English phrases like, "Get me out of here" and "I'm calling a lawyer."

In this edition of the show made famous last season by the slurping sounds of Sarah, the foot fetishist, and Evan Marriot, the bumbling construction worker who turned down the pervert for the prude, the producers had to find women who weren't familiar with the con game.

The show consists of one running gag: The women think they are there to marry a millionaire. The catch is, he's just another loser.

To find these women, Fox producers left no stone unturned and no mail-order bride advertisement unread.

They collected a bevy of beautiful foreign women who can be heard to "oooo" and "aaaahhh" at the sight of their "millionaire."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this seems to have the potential for calamity.

Of course, since it's airing on Fox, who would expect it to be any other way?

Something really different

Adoption is perhaps the most potentially painful and personal experience anyone can enter into.

With "Adoption" (Check listings) The Hallmark Channel has tried hard to open the experience up to the world.

The series follows families of international and domestic adoptions as they plan, prepare, travel and try to live their lives.

The show does not sugarcoat the truth of some international adoptions. Orphanages with too many children and too little food are regular visits.

It also provides a glimpse into the world of private domestic adoptions, although in my opinion, producers try too hard to push their belief in the "open adoption" process.

Whatever. The fact is, it's good to see more reality television that informs and enlightens while it makes money off advertisers, instead of just churning out the usual excrement.

And if this show convinces just one family to adopt a child in need of a home, it was well worth my time to review it.