Words on words; a poem for the ages

First published in the Bluffton News-Banner

April 23, 2010

By Jerry Battiste

I have an idea: The next time I have an idea, someone slap me.
I decided, on a whim, to participate in the Creative Arts Centre Open Mic Night Poetry Reading coming this Monday.
To be a little cheeky I also decided I would allow my fans to submit words I would then use in the poem I am going to read.
I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be interesting. I thought it would be a unique experience.
I didn’t realize it would be like threading a needle with an anchor chain.
Within 10 minutes of putting out the request for words I received “entredentolignumologist.”
It means, someone who collects toothpick boxes. Why we need a nine-syllable word for the most ridiculous hobby I have ever heard of, is beyond my reckoning.
As I was scouring the dictionary for the meaning of that monstrosity, other wonderful words came pouring in.
Like, “orange.”
Now that’s just plain cruel. How am I going to put “entredentolignumologist” and “orange” in the same poem?
Thankfully, I have received, more natural sounding words. Words like “apple,” “taco,” ‘fantastic,” “compliant,” “fancy” and “package.”
Of course I will need to fit them in alongside other far less appealing words like “alliteration” “vampiric” and “loquacious.”
And let’s not forget “harumph.”
Despite the fact I asked for one word per person, some folks are submitting two. But rules are rules, so I am choosing the easiest of the two from those folks.
(Hey, it’s my poem.)
This is already quite a challenge and I told folks they could continue to contribute until midnight tonight. I can’t even imagine what I might end up with.
The lesson I have learned here is simple: If you are looking for a fun way to engage your community in a team building creative exercise, find something better to do with your time.
People, it seems, even the ones who claim to be your fans, are downright cruel.
If you would like to see how it all turns out; what I can do with a bunch of strange words I received from a bunch of even stranger people, come visit the Bluffton Creative Arts Centre Open Mic Poetry Night, Monday, 7 p.m.
I will be there. With my newly crafted poem of submitted words.
I have no idea what it will sound like, but I do know what it will be called:
Entredentolignumologist.


jerryb@news-banner.com
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Breakfast. It’s what’s for dinner

April 9, 2010

(This column originally appeared in The News-Banner, April 9, 2010)

By Jerry Battiste

I am not one to stand on formality, which might explain why I enjoy eating oatmeal for dinner.

If I had my way I might just eat oatmeal three times a day.
Today, I had a banana and a glass of V8.
I never set out to eat healthy. In fact I love a greasy pork chop with a side of bacon as much as the next guy.
But then I see myself on video talking to the Junior Achievement class at Ossian Elementary School. I noticed when I turned sideways I looked, well, rounder than I once did.
That spurred me to switch from Slim Jims and donuts for breakfast to fruit and granola.
The oatmeal thing has been that way since I was a kid. You would think, given how much I like oatmeal, I could retain my athletic physique as I grew older.
That would be true if I didn’t supplement my oatmeal with birthday cake every chance I got.
Thursday I had cake for breakfast.
That wasn’t my fault. Natasha had a birthday (clearly without regard for the rest of us) and Chris brought her a birthday cake (also without regard for the rest of us.)
What else was I to do except eat some of it? To make matters worse I had to have a piece while Chris was watching me. Then I had to have a piece when Natasha was watching. Then, when Paul went for a piece, I had to have a third piece so Paul wouldn’t have to eat alone.
I disgust myself.
To make up for all the cake I decided to jog home from work. I made it as far as the Pak-A-Sak across the street where I stopped for a Twinkie.
So today I am having a banana and a glass of V8.
I am also having a granola bar. Probably a cup of coffee or two. Maybe a burrito for lunch. Then some sort of pasta for dinner.
If the girls are good today I will likely take them to Dairy Queen. But I will only eat one Peanut Buster Parfait, not two.
I work the late shift which means I’ll be eating supper at my desk. Probably going to grab a Spanish Dog and onion rings at Bummies.
But after work, around midnight probably, when everything is quiet and I can focus my mind again, I will have a big heaping bowl of oatmeal.
That has got to be good for me, right?

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‘Joe Schmo Show' enough to make a grown man cry

(This column originally appeared in The Republic, October 2, 2003)

Has anyone seen the rabbit ears for Jerry Battiste's 10-inch black-and-white TV? He can be reached at 379-5691 or at jbattiste@therepublic.com.

In "The Joe Schmo Show," (8 p.m. Tuesdays, Spike TV) poor unsuspecting Matt thinks the whole thing is real; a chance to win $100,000 by being the last person standing on a show called "Lap of Luxury."

The catch is, the entire show is rigged, staged to make Matt believe the whole thing is real.

And he falls for it, like all those boys who paid $5 for a pair of "X-ray specs" only to discover they didn't work at all.

(And I'm still waiting for my full refund.)

Last week, Matt became very upset after his friend was voted out. He wept.

We're talking his shirt was drenched with real tears. In fact, at one point he looks at the camera and laments, "These are real people with real emotions."

(Those exact same words, uttered by Charla on "Paradise Hotel" the next night, had none of the conviction or honesty of Matt's and elicited nothing but a sneer and guffaw from me.)

But little does Matt realize what's really going on.

The next day (on the show) the producers, upset because they made Matt cry, decide to take his mind off things by having two of the characters suddenly shack up together.

Great idea. Too bad Matt had a crush on the woman and utterly despised the guy. He cried again.

"She smells so nice, and he's just nasty," he sniffed.

Brian, a writer for the show and also one of the actors pretending to be a contestant, said, "The one thing we promised ourselves was that we wouldn't make him cry again. And then I look over and see a single tear in the corner of his eye."

These people are walking advertisements for sensitivity training. Do they know this guy at all or are they just pretending?

The only saving grace for the show is that, unlike some other reality shows, they want to show Matt in the best possible light.

The fact he appears to be a true gentleman doesn't hurt either.

Fox at it again

In an effort to undermine U.S. foreign relations, Fox, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to bring back Joe Millionaire.

"Joe Millionaire: An International Affair" (check local listings) starts this month and the catch is, none of the women speaks English!

OK, so I'm exaggerating. Actually, they all speak some form of broken English, and each one has her own handbook of easy English phrases like, "Get me out of here" and "I'm calling a lawyer."

In this edition of the show made famous last season by the slurping sounds of Sarah, the foot fetishist, and Evan Marriot, the bumbling construction worker who turned down the pervert for the prude, the producers had to find women who weren't familiar with the con game.

The show consists of one running gag: The women think they are there to marry a millionaire. The catch is, he's just another loser.

To find these women, Fox producers left no stone unturned and no mail-order bride advertisement unread.

They collected a bevy of beautiful foreign women who can be heard to "oooo" and "aaaahhh" at the sight of their "millionaire."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this seems to have the potential for calamity.

Of course, since it's airing on Fox, who would expect it to be any other way?

Something really different

Adoption is perhaps the most potentially painful and personal experience anyone can enter into.

With "Adoption" (Check listings) The Hallmark Channel has tried hard to open the experience up to the world.

The series follows families of international and domestic adoptions as they plan, prepare, travel and try to live their lives.

The show does not sugarcoat the truth of some international adoptions. Orphanages with too many children and too little food are regular visits.

It also provides a glimpse into the world of private domestic adoptions, although in my opinion, producers try too hard to push their belief in the "open adoption" process.

Whatever. The fact is, it's good to see more reality television that informs and enlightens while it makes money off advertisers, instead of just churning out the usual excrement.

And if this show convinces just one family to adopt a child in need of a home, it was well worth my time to review it.

Home is where Mellencamp hangs his hat

(This column originally appeared in The Republic, February 1, 2004)

Jerry Battiste

A sign at the edge of town has me wondering about something: Has John Mellencamp moved back home to Seymour?

I noticed a sign on U.S. 50 touting Seymour as the "Home of John Mellencamp."

Last I heard Mellencamp was living on a big spread outside Bloomington.

Granted Seymour is his hometown; the "smalltown" Mellencamp sang about is certainly Seymour, and his love for the area is reflected in his many contributions to arts in the community.

But he doesn't actually live here.

A friend of mine said "It's just a sign, what difference does it make?"

He has a point, surely, but so do I. Let me reiterate: John Mellencamp doesn't actually live in Seymour. So why does the sign state that he does?

I'm sure whoever put the signs up thought this was a good idea. Jackson County receives thousands of visitors every year who come to the area because of its connection to Mellencamp. Why not play that aspect of the area up?

But we also have an obligation to these out-of-town visitors to treat them fairly and honestly. Let's not sully Mellencamp's name by creating an image that isn't quite true.

Besides, I believe there is no need to stretch the truth when it comes to Mellencamp's connection to the city.

All the locals know the man; who he is, where he came from and what he has done is part of the fabric of local history.

But Mellencamp doesn't live here anymore. He moved away. Not too far, just a little west, about 40 miles as the crow flies.

He still visits the community, has a few relatives here and speaks very highly of Seymour when the subject comes up publicly.

But that doesn't change the fact he does not live here anymore.

Unfair to fans

I think it's unfair to all the fans who visit Jackson County to make them believe something that is not true.

And do we really want devoted fans wandering the back roads aimlessly searching for his secret mansion?

I can imagine the questions from fans who traveled halfway around the world just to see the Southern Indiana Center for the Arts Mellencamp exhibit.

They will want to know when he moved back, where his new house is and how long it takes to get there. Oh, and can anyone draw a map in German?

No, I think it makes much more sense to tout Seymour as Mellencamp's hometown … the place where he learned as a child what kind of man he wanted to be.

Seymour is the city that gave birth to a superstar, not the place that star came to rest, but there is no shame in that.

There is a sense of pride to be felt for being the origin, the starting point if you will, for a great and glorious journey.

When Mellencamp is asked where he discovered his sense of family pride; where he learned the value of a hard day's labor; and the price to be paid for maintaining a family farm, he can answer truthfully: Seymour.

But when someone asks him where he lives, what else can he say but Bloomington?

No, claiming to be the hometown of John Mellencamp should be enough of a feather in anyone's cap.

Because claiming Seymour as his home is just not the truth.

Locals inspired by love of aircraft

(This story originally appeared in The Republic, February 29, 2004)

By Jerry Battiste

jbattiste@therepublic.com

SEYMOUR -- At least once a week Bruce Cochran comes to Freeman Field to perform regular maintenance on his airplane and talk shop with other pilots.

"I always dreamed of flying, when I was a kid right on through as I grew up," he said.

"One day I realized if I didn't get busy doing it soon, I would never get around to it."

So, in 1999, Cochran started flying lessons in a Cessna 150 and not long after getting his pilot's license, bought the Cub.

"It's a little cold in the winter. The heater doesn't work real well," he said.

But lack of heat doesn't stop him from getting in the air every chance he gets.

"There's just nothing like it," he said.

Charlie Gokey, of Louisville, is an airplane enthusiast who takes great pride in building his own planes and keeping them running.

His Volksplane uses a 4-cylinder Volkswagen engine he salvaged from a junkyard more than 20 years ago.

He said many pilots today build experimental aircraft using prefabricated kits, but his plane is all original.

"The design plans are from the late '60s, and I had to build every part you see, or get it from somewhere," he said.

Converted engine

The Volksplane is an all-wood homebuilt aircraft that was designed in the 1960s by W.S. "Bud" Evans. Hundreds have been built around the world, and most are powered by a converted Volkswagen "Boxer" engine.

All homebuilt aircraft are classified as experimental by the Federal Aviation Administration, and the builders themselves are given a repairman's certification that allows them to do all needed maintenance on their planes.

Certified aircraft, those approved for commercial or private use by the FAA, must be serviced by a certified aircraft repair crew every year.

"I think that's why a lot more people are choosing to build their own airplanes," Gokey said. "They can work on it themselves and it's a lot less expensive than buying a plane and keeping that running."

Forget about the complexity of building an airplane, just finding time to do the work required to keep an aircraft "airworthy" can be a challenge.

David Timbers, a Seymour resident, has been a pilot since 1945. He keeps the 1939 J4 Cub he bought 20 years ago in the same hangar as Gokey, but hasn't flown it in almost a decade.

"It takes a lot of work to keep these planes going, and I just haven't had the time," he said.

High hopes

"Maybe this year I'll have it flying, but I've been saying that every year for the past several years, so I don't know."

When his plane was new, Timbers said it probably sold for about $1700. Today the plane is worth more than 10 times that amount.

"That is the good thing about antique aircraft," he said. "You don't have to fly them to keep them valuable. Just sitting right where it is it increases in value every day I own it."

Timbers and Gokey are members of the Experimental Aircraft Association. Timbers attends the Columbus chapter, and Gokey the chapter in Louisville.

Both men say flying gives them a sense of freedom most people do not get to experience, an experience they share with as many children and adults as they can.

The EAA's Young Eagles program offers free airplane rides to young children who might normally never have a chance to fly in a small aircraft. Members volunteer their time, money, fuel and aircraft to provide the rides.

Timbers said there is great satisfaction in providing the rides and even makes room for adults every now and then.

"Several times a year the EAA meets at air shows and events around the country," Timbers said.

"We both (Gokey and Timbers) participate in the Young Eagles program. It's a great feeling to watch a kid's face light up when you take them for their first plane ride," he said.

"There's nothing else like it."

Food bank fund founded

(This story originally appeared in The Republic, March 26, 2004)

Hope citizens must match former resident's pledge of $25,000

By Jerry Battiste

jbattiste@therepublic.com

HOPE -- Former resident Tim Andrews announced the formation of the Hope Area Food Bank Fund with a pledge of $25,000.

Andrews, who two years ago helped form the Hawcreek-Flat Rock Endowment Fund, said the money would eventually support the operating costs of the food bank but is primarily designed to help the bank provide for families.

"The idea is that, over time, the contributions will grow to such a large balance that income from the balance will be sufficient to support operating expenses of the food bank," he said.

"Building this much money up will take a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but we have to start somewhere."

He made the announcement Thursday at a recognition dinner for volunteers and supporters of the food bank and the Hope Community Center.

Andrews, a former resident of St. Louis Crossing, is a graduate of Hauser High School and Ball State University, and president of Advertising Specialty Institute of Philadelphia.

Almost 150 residents, many who have spent years working to raise money to support programs there, gathered for a meal and to listen to praise for the work they have done.

Andrews wasted no time in explaining why he was there and what he was doing.

"I don't know if it was the events of 9/11 or what it was, but recently I've started looking back on my life and thinking of the people that really meant something to me," he said.

One of those people, he said, was Stanley Rose, a grocer in St. Louis Crossing who often gave customers store credit and free food, including Andrews' family.

Andrews had kind words for Rose, his children, and his children's children.

"I don't know if Stanley's grandchildren, or even his great-grandchildren, realize what kind of man he was," Andrews said. "I just want to let them know right now, he was one of the greatest men I have ever met."

In honor of Rose, Andrews pledged $5,000 per year to the new fund for five years, with the stipulation the community provide matching funds. If at the end of five years the community has raised $200,000, Andrews has promised an extra $25,000 contribution.

All contributions will be used as seed money in the fund, and only the income from investments will be used for the food bank.

Heritage Fund of Bartholomew County manages all three funds created for residents of the Hope area.

Sherry Stark, Heritage Fund president and CEO, said she is constantly amazed at the giving nature of the people of Hope and the success of previous funds established there.

"It blows me away to see what you all are able to accomplish," she said.

"It really brings tears to my eyes."

Julie Glick, executive director of Community Center of Hope, said she had so many generous supporters to thank, she hardly knew where to start.

"You are the ones who give your time, your energy to make these things work," she said.

"I want to offer my personal thanks to all those who volunteer; you make a privilege for me to come to work every day."

Finding our place in your multimedia world

(This editorial ran in The News-Banner recently. I couldn't miss an opportunity to self-promote. Especially when someone else does all the work!--jb)




January 18, 2010
By Dave Schultz


What you have in your hands, or (if you’re reading online) on the computer screen in front of you, is a medium. No, the News-Banner is not channeling something from the spiritual world, like the woman on the TV show; the N-B is a means of conveying information.

The plural of medium is media. That’s right, all; we’re the media. We’re as local as you can get, and we’re quite proud of that.

We’re also adapting to a changing world, right in front of your eyes. There is a need to be met, and we’re trying to meet it.

Now. Quickly.

There is no longer a radio station in town — at least, its studios are vacant on Main Street. For that matter, radio news in our regional hub, Fort Wayne, isn’t what it used to be either. Fort Wayne TV stations aren’t going to give you ongoing coverage of a Wells County situation.

You’ve changed, too. You no longer want to wait to find out what’s going on. We’re trying to respond.

We’ve had some interesting events here during the past few weeks, literally within a few feet of each other. There was a gas leak at the corner of Johnson and Walnut streets on Nov. 17 (I will forever remember the photo by Glen Werling) and then the Morrow Block fire eight days ago.

Both times, we were posting information online.

Allow me to give a shout-out to Jerry Battiste right here. He took photos of the fire and reported on what he saw, providing first-hand accounts of the fire, its scope, and what was being done. Mayor Ted Ellis told me he appreciated it; he wanted people to get information from us rather than relying on conversations with their friends, neighbors, or relatives. I know firsthand that those conversations can be misleading; as I was at the scene of the Jan. 9 fire, two young men told me that a kerosene heater had started the fire. That was wrong.

To be honest, we’re still trying to feel our way into things here. Yet our mission is clear: When you want to know what’s going on, the place you need to go is to the News-Banner. Our print edition, for sure; we’re working harder than ever to make our print edition better than ever. We also want you to remember to go to the news-banner.com Web site.

We are professionals at reporting the news. We know who to ask. We know the questions to ask. We know Wells County and what’s important to Wells County. We are accountable to you, our readers — and believe me, you let us know if something got past us or if we didn’t get it right the first time.

If there’s another gas leak, we’ll post it quickly. If there’s another major fire, we’ll post it quickly. (If there’s another gas leak and a major fire at the same time, we may all be running for our lives.)

I’m particularly thinking what will happen if we’re buried under a major blizzard. One of the first major stories of my career, when I was at another newspaper, was being the lead reporter on the 1978 storm. No one had an online option then. Every county seat had its own radio station. That’s no longer the case. And a print edition can only tell you what the situation was at press time; it can’t tell you what the situation is now.

Perhaps we’ll video a report and post it online, updating it every hour or so as warranted. That’s just an idea I have. Jerry, who is our online guy, will — as he did a week ago Sunday — certainly have a hand in on what we do.

We want to be the definitive source of news for Wells County. When you want to know what’s going on, we want to be who you turn to.

Now. Quickly.

by DAVE SCHULTZ
daves@news-banner.com