Words on words; a poem for the ages

First published in the Bluffton News-Banner

April 23, 2010

By Jerry Battiste

I have an idea: The next time I have an idea, someone slap me.
I decided, on a whim, to participate in the Creative Arts Centre Open Mic Night Poetry Reading coming this Monday.
To be a little cheeky I also decided I would allow my fans to submit words I would then use in the poem I am going to read.
I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be interesting. I thought it would be a unique experience.
I didn’t realize it would be like threading a needle with an anchor chain.
Within 10 minutes of putting out the request for words I received “entredentolignumologist.”
It means, someone who collects toothpick boxes. Why we need a nine-syllable word for the most ridiculous hobby I have ever heard of, is beyond my reckoning.
As I was scouring the dictionary for the meaning of that monstrosity, other wonderful words came pouring in.
Like, “orange.”
Now that’s just plain cruel. How am I going to put “entredentolignumologist” and “orange” in the same poem?
Thankfully, I have received, more natural sounding words. Words like “apple,” “taco,” ‘fantastic,” “compliant,” “fancy” and “package.”
Of course I will need to fit them in alongside other far less appealing words like “alliteration” “vampiric” and “loquacious.”
And let’s not forget “harumph.”
Despite the fact I asked for one word per person, some folks are submitting two. But rules are rules, so I am choosing the easiest of the two from those folks.
(Hey, it’s my poem.)
This is already quite a challenge and I told folks they could continue to contribute until midnight tonight. I can’t even imagine what I might end up with.
The lesson I have learned here is simple: If you are looking for a fun way to engage your community in a team building creative exercise, find something better to do with your time.
People, it seems, even the ones who claim to be your fans, are downright cruel.
If you would like to see how it all turns out; what I can do with a bunch of strange words I received from a bunch of even stranger people, come visit the Bluffton Creative Arts Centre Open Mic Poetry Night, Monday, 7 p.m.
I will be there. With my newly crafted poem of submitted words.
I have no idea what it will sound like, but I do know what it will be called:
Entredentolignumologist.


jerryb@news-banner.com
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Breakfast. It’s what’s for dinner

April 9, 2010

(This column originally appeared in The News-Banner, April 9, 2010)

By Jerry Battiste

I am not one to stand on formality, which might explain why I enjoy eating oatmeal for dinner.

If I had my way I might just eat oatmeal three times a day.
Today, I had a banana and a glass of V8.
I never set out to eat healthy. In fact I love a greasy pork chop with a side of bacon as much as the next guy.
But then I see myself on video talking to the Junior Achievement class at Ossian Elementary School. I noticed when I turned sideways I looked, well, rounder than I once did.
That spurred me to switch from Slim Jims and donuts for breakfast to fruit and granola.
The oatmeal thing has been that way since I was a kid. You would think, given how much I like oatmeal, I could retain my athletic physique as I grew older.
That would be true if I didn’t supplement my oatmeal with birthday cake every chance I got.
Thursday I had cake for breakfast.
That wasn’t my fault. Natasha had a birthday (clearly without regard for the rest of us) and Chris brought her a birthday cake (also without regard for the rest of us.)
What else was I to do except eat some of it? To make matters worse I had to have a piece while Chris was watching me. Then I had to have a piece when Natasha was watching. Then, when Paul went for a piece, I had to have a third piece so Paul wouldn’t have to eat alone.
I disgust myself.
To make up for all the cake I decided to jog home from work. I made it as far as the Pak-A-Sak across the street where I stopped for a Twinkie.
So today I am having a banana and a glass of V8.
I am also having a granola bar. Probably a cup of coffee or two. Maybe a burrito for lunch. Then some sort of pasta for dinner.
If the girls are good today I will likely take them to Dairy Queen. But I will only eat one Peanut Buster Parfait, not two.
I work the late shift which means I’ll be eating supper at my desk. Probably going to grab a Spanish Dog and onion rings at Bummies.
But after work, around midnight probably, when everything is quiet and I can focus my mind again, I will have a big heaping bowl of oatmeal.
That has got to be good for me, right?

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